December 19-20, 2007
This was by far the worst day of my life. Rocking Savannah to sleep in a hotel room the night before, it didn't occur to me that it was the last time I'd hold her that close for awhile. I wish now I would have thought about that and held her a little longer, but I can't roll back time. The day of her surgery arrived quicker than I felt ready for, but I knew this was for the best. The idea of having to hand her over and walking away was the hardest thing I could imagine thinking about. It was definately the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life.
We had to dress her in her little yellow hospital outfit, and they we just sat in a room and waited. The doctor finally came in and gave her some goofy juice to help her relax, so she wouldn't freak out when I had to hand her over. It took 10 minutes for that stuff to take effect, but when it did, IT DID! She started acting stupid. She was all groggy and she'd look at me and laugh uncontrollably. I laughed at her although it really wasn't a funny situation. It was funny, yet not funny. I was relieved she wouldn't be screaming when I left her, but it didn't make it easier like I had thought it would. That time finally came. I carried her to the two double doors, and I had to hand her over. I hugged her tightly, kissed her, and then sat her on the little gourney, and she just looked at me and started laughing. I guess that's better than screaming. She was so out of it, she was clueless to what was going on, so she just laughed as dh and I walked away. I thought I'd be ok until I hit the waiting room. I saw my mother sitting there, and I just lost it. I completely lost it. I wanted to go back and get her, but I knew I couldn't. We were told they would update us in about an hour. I tried to read my new Bible that I bought the day before, but I couldn't concentrate. I finally just sat there and talked to my sister in law in an attempt to get my mind off it. The pastor of my church and his wife showed up unexpectedly, and that was a really nice suprise. He said a prayer with us while she was in surgery, and then waited with us until her surgery was complete. I thought that was just so nice, and I was so blessed to have their support. I could not stop looking at the clock no matter how hard I tried. The last ten minutes were the hardest. Right before 9:00, I saw our doctor enter the waiting area. I was really suprised because he was supposed to be updating. I kinda panicked for a minute wondering why he was out there. He gathered us all together and told us he had good news. We were told that he was able to fix it with a closed reduction and she'd be in the cast for 6 weeks instead of 12. Again, I completely lost it. I was so relieved that I just sobbed uncontrollably. When I finally pulled myself together, I could not wait to see her.
It wasn't long after that, the doctor came out and told us we could come back. Seeing her laying on that gourney, still asleep from the anesthesia, in that HUGE cast was a shock to me. I knew what the cast was going to look like ahead of time, but pictures just do NOT do it justice. I was overwhelmed. My baby girl was inside that big pink brick, and I hated it. I hated seeing her like that, and I was really worried about her reaction to it all once she woke up. I refused to leave her room until she woke up, and I stuck to that. My mother brought my lunch to her room, but dh went to the cafeteria to eat. She woke up while he was gone. At first, she started to fuss a little, then she saw me. I just started talking softly to her, letting her know mama was there, and stroking her hair. She smiled at me. That was the best reaction I could have gotten, and I was relieved. She tried moving her legs, and began to fuss a little about the fact she couldn't move like she could before, but it wasn't long she was over it. Since then, she's accepted it really well, much better than dh and I.
We were trained later that morning on how to change her diaper, tape all of her cast openings, and all the other cast care that we needed to know in order to keep her cast clean and dry. It was quite overwhelming, and I was scared of what I would do with her once I got her home. The rest of the day and night was pretty much spent either holding, feeding, or riding her around in the wagon. I was so glad when her IV was finally removed because we were able to hold her much easier, or as easy as you can in a big bulky pink brick (as I call the cast). By that night, we were ready to go home. Dh and I both agreed we were overwhelmed but could handle it better at home. The doctor came in later and said we'd be released pretty early the next morning. We were happy about that.
We were released around 9:30 that next day, after being loaned a special car seat and receiving training on how to use it. The trip home was different. Watching her in that huge cast in that huge car seat was hard. It's hard to look at her sometimes. Since we've been home, all three of us have had the stomach bug. As if she hadn't already been through enough, she's had diahrea and vomiting on top of it. I promise the stomach bug does not make diaper changing in a spica cast easy. We've already went through ALL of our newborn size diapers given to us by the hospital. She misses me being able to cuddle her like we used too, and I do too. I will explain more in my next post. Right now, I've got to get some sleep. I am still recovering from my stomach bug. I still have so many more feelings I want to get out, but it will have to wait until my next post.
Friday, December 21, 2007
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