Emotional

I was an hour late getting to school today. Everything finally hit me this morning, and I just lost it. I knew once it all hit me, I would be a mess. I have been in tears on and off all day. There was just no way I would be able to give my students 100% of me, so I decided it was in the best interest of the students and myself if I just called in to work and let them know I would be a little late this morning. I needed to be alone, no husband, no parent or relatives coming to my house or calling. I just wanted to be alone for awhile, so I decided to just get in my car and ride around. I knew if I stayed home, my dad (whose retired now) would have probably noticed I was home when I should have been at work, and he would have stopped by or called in concern. He's awesome that way, and I love him for it. This time I just needed some time alone. I decided to ride around and get away from everything.

My best friend, Christina, from New Jersey consoled me on the phone while I drove around crying. I wanted to go somewhere and park and be alone, but in this little town, there is no such thing as privacy. I tried stopping at Sonic, Big Banjo's parking lot, and I even tried stopping in a grocery store parking lot. I was uncomfortable at all these places. I finally ended up in the parking area of my church. I was at ease there, and knew this was where I was supposed to end up this morning. As I sat there talking to my best friend, I confessed my location and how I really wanted to go inside and talk to my preacher. I was too embarrassed to go in because I hadn't been to church in so long. Of course, Christina being the wonderful person she is, encouraged me to go talk to my preacher. She reminded me that I had no reason to be embarrassed about not going to church in so long, and that it would do me a world of good to talk to him. She convinced me that I ended up at my church for a reason this morning. I knew in my heart that she was right and that God had let me back to my church. There was no other explanation for the difference in my feelings while in the church parking lot compared to everywhere else I had went before I ended up there. I did eventually go inside to talk to the preacher because I knew that was what I was being led to do, and I followed my heart. However, he was out on a call. Even though it saddened me that our meeting would have to wait, I knew I was doing the right thing. I left a message with the church secretary to have him call me and set up a time I could come and talk to him. Then I went into the sanctuary and prayed. I got on my knees and just prayed. It was so cold in that church, yet while on my knees, I was warm. I felt as if I had received a great big hug when I left the church. I instantly felt better, and I knew I could finally handle going back to work. I know that God gave me that big hug..it was such a great feeling!

The rest of my day went better than how my morning had started out...until my principal met with me for an hour after school about my job. It was an emotional meeting because I literately cried the whole time I was in there. I couldn't handle being lectured about things they thought I wasn't doing (which I've definately done everything they asked), and try to also deal with Savannah's situation. I was still in the grieving process over my baby, seeing as I had just found out the day before. You would think some people would have been a little more sensitive to the matter. I was pretty much told in this meeting that I would not have my job at the end of the year. This was no suprise to me since they've sabbatoged me and tried everything they could to get rid of me for 3 years. I was already planning to resign at the end of this year, but Savannah's situation is just going to make it all happen much faster. So, even though I was already leaving anyway, I still thought it was pretty cold and insensitive for the principal to approach me about that when she did. She could have easily done it any day, but she chose the one day that I was trying to cope with the news about Savannah. I can't help but think what a jerk she was for doing that.

This has been a very emotional day, and I am just drained. I have felt so drained and tired tonight. On a positive note.. the preacher did call me back, and I will be meeting with him tommorow after school.