What I am feeling is hard to describe. Although we've been through this before 1 year ago, it still feels like it did when we discovered her hip dysplasia at her 9 month appointment. It was devastating to think our perfect little girl had something wrong with her, and it was heartbreaking knowing I had absolutely no power over it. I couldn't change it, and all I could do was accept it and move ahead. Now, 1 year later, 1 CR sugery and 10 months in a brace behind us, we find out her hip socket just stopped forming and another surgery and spica cast are needed. What I'm feeling is helplessness because again I have absolutely no control over this and I can't fix it. I also feel heart-broken because she has to go through surgery again, and she has to endure that cast again. She doesn't understand what is happening, and that makes it even harder.
I'm her mother, and I'm supposed to be able to fix things and make it all better. I can't fix this, and I can't prevent her from having to go through this surgery, pain, and that cast. When it's your child, and you are powerless to protect them from something, it makes you feel inadequate and helpless because all you want is to make it all go away and you can't. It's that feeling of being stuck and not in control that is really difficult.
People tell me all the time to be thankful because it could be worse. I know that things could definately be worse, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God that she's healthy despite her hip. I am very thankful that she's healthy otherwise, and I don't take that for granted. It doesn't mean that something more minor like this can't make you hurt just the same. Unless they have experienced it firsthand, most people don't really understand how heart-wrenching it is to hand over their child to a doctor and his medical staff and trust them to take the best care of them. After kissing her, telling her how much I loved her, and handing her to the nurse, I immediately wanted to turn around and run after them, grab my daughter, and get as far away from that hospital as I could. I can tell you from firsthand experience that it's the single hardest thing you will ever do. For me, handing her over this time is going to be even harder than the first time.
Explaining how I feel about all this is really difficult because there are so many different emotions involved. Sometimes I feel like I just have to be strong, and if I break-down and cry, I'm not being strong for Savannah. I make every effort to not cry in front of her because I want things to be as normal as possible under the circumstances. If I feel the need to break down and cry over everything, then I normally do it when she's taking her nap or at night when she's sleeping. Only once have I sat rocking her, looking at her while she slept in my arms, and just cried. I keep thinking of how beautiful and innocent she was, and how she had no clue what was happening, and I wept. This was a few days after we found out she needed another surgery and cast. Just having somebody understand how I feel and to tell me it is perfectly fine to feel the way I do, perfectly fine to cry if I need to, and to tell me everything is going to be alright is what I need to hear sometimes.
How am I doing now? I am doing better. I have accepted what is to be, and I decided to enjoy every minute I can with her before her surgery. Don't get me wrong, I am still heartbroken that she has to go through this, and I still have those same feelings I mentioned above, but I am dealing with that better everyday. We got through her first surgery and we survived the spica cast, so I know we will do the same this time, but it's still hard to deal with at times. God will take care of her as HE always has, and I take comfort knowing that. I just pray this surgery/cast will truely be the end of this nightmare, and we will graduate to occasional follow-up appointments. This is my hope, my wish, my prayer, but only God knows what is best for Savannah. I just have to trust HIM to take care of her, and I do!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Baby 1st Story
I sent Savannah's story to baby first tv for a chance to appear on their programming. I don't expect to ever hear back from them, but it still felt great doing this for her. It would be cool if her story got chosen, but I'm ok if it doesn't. Anyway, here is what I submitted..
Dear Baby First Tv,
My daughter, Savannah, was diagnosed with hip dysplasia in her left hip when she was nine months old. She was born without a fully developed left hip socket. The following month, she had a CR surgery(closed reduction), and was put in a spica body cast for 6 weeks. She endured her first Christmas in that body cast, which was really hard since she couldn’t even sit up in it to play with her toys. We had a special table made just for her so she would have some sense of normalcy while she was in her cast. The table was only part of what made her life (and ours) easier during this difficult time. The baby first tv channel was the other missing piece of the puzzle. It was the entertainment she needed during the day when nothing else would satisfy her, and at night when she was too uncomfortable to sleep. Not only was my baby entertained, but amazingly her development and language skills blossomed. She started to pick up words, identify the different animals and their sounds, some shapes, colors, letters, and many other things. It was great to watch her blossom and grow, and I enjoyed interacting with her while watching the different programs on baby first tv.
Savannah is now twenty-two months old, and even though her cast was removed right before her first birthday, she still has to continue wearing a hip brace during the night. She is being monitored every two to four months to make sure her hip socket continues to grow and develop on its own. During her most recent check-up, we discovered her hip socket stopped growing on its own. She is scheduled for a pelvic osteotomy on February 12 (time unknown), and she will be immobilized in a spica cast again for 6 weeks. We were devastated to hear things stopped progressing, but we are also really thankful to know that baby first tv is going to be there to help us through the long days and hard nights again.
Savannah loves the baby first tv channel. Her favorite programs are Peek-a-Boo, Harry the Bunny, Rainbow Horse, Petey the Paintbrush, and many others. She has learned so much, and continues to grow and blossom in her vocabulary skills. Her new favorite program is My Gym at Home. She wants to do what the other babies do on the program, but sometimes I have to modify it because of her hip. She doesn’t mind the modifications I make because she’s just happy being able to play and participate. I enjoy being able to interact with her during that program, and she loves it. She still has many nights where she is uncomfortable and sleep is difficult, and even harder nights are to come with her upcoming surgery. Baby first night-time programs were a lifesaver in the past, and even now. It’s the night-time programming that is going to help me through those long hard nights after her upcoming surgery. She loves the soft music, drawings submitted by other children, the mobiles/merry-go-round, the sand art, and the many other things seen on the night programs.
Even though the future is unknown, I know I can count on baby first tv to see us through it. Thank you for your great programs and for being there when my baby needs you the most. It would mean so much to us if Savannah’s story was chosen to appear on baby first tv. She is truly a baby first tv baby, and continues to grow and develop everyday with the help of your programming.
Sincerely,
Britany, Matthew, and Savannah McDonald
I also attached three pictures. One of her in her cast, one in her brace, and one of her now.
Dear Baby First Tv,
My daughter, Savannah, was diagnosed with hip dysplasia in her left hip when she was nine months old. She was born without a fully developed left hip socket. The following month, she had a CR surgery(closed reduction), and was put in a spica body cast for 6 weeks. She endured her first Christmas in that body cast, which was really hard since she couldn’t even sit up in it to play with her toys. We had a special table made just for her so she would have some sense of normalcy while she was in her cast. The table was only part of what made her life (and ours) easier during this difficult time. The baby first tv channel was the other missing piece of the puzzle. It was the entertainment she needed during the day when nothing else would satisfy her, and at night when she was too uncomfortable to sleep. Not only was my baby entertained, but amazingly her development and language skills blossomed. She started to pick up words, identify the different animals and their sounds, some shapes, colors, letters, and many other things. It was great to watch her blossom and grow, and I enjoyed interacting with her while watching the different programs on baby first tv.
Savannah is now twenty-two months old, and even though her cast was removed right before her first birthday, she still has to continue wearing a hip brace during the night. She is being monitored every two to four months to make sure her hip socket continues to grow and develop on its own. During her most recent check-up, we discovered her hip socket stopped growing on its own. She is scheduled for a pelvic osteotomy on February 12 (time unknown), and she will be immobilized in a spica cast again for 6 weeks. We were devastated to hear things stopped progressing, but we are also really thankful to know that baby first tv is going to be there to help us through the long days and hard nights again.
Savannah loves the baby first tv channel. Her favorite programs are Peek-a-Boo, Harry the Bunny, Rainbow Horse, Petey the Paintbrush, and many others. She has learned so much, and continues to grow and blossom in her vocabulary skills. Her new favorite program is My Gym at Home. She wants to do what the other babies do on the program, but sometimes I have to modify it because of her hip. She doesn’t mind the modifications I make because she’s just happy being able to play and participate. I enjoy being able to interact with her during that program, and she loves it. She still has many nights where she is uncomfortable and sleep is difficult, and even harder nights are to come with her upcoming surgery. Baby first night-time programs were a lifesaver in the past, and even now. It’s the night-time programming that is going to help me through those long hard nights after her upcoming surgery. She loves the soft music, drawings submitted by other children, the mobiles/merry-go-round, the sand art, and the many other things seen on the night programs.
Even though the future is unknown, I know I can count on baby first tv to see us through it. Thank you for your great programs and for being there when my baby needs you the most. It would mean so much to us if Savannah’s story was chosen to appear on baby first tv. She is truly a baby first tv baby, and continues to grow and develop everyday with the help of your programming.
Sincerely,
Britany, Matthew, and Savannah McDonald
I also attached three pictures. One of her in her cast, one in her brace, and one of her now.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Pelvic Osteotomy :(
Savannah's appointment Friday (December 12) was a complete shocker for us. She is going to need a pelvic osteotomy (I think that's what hers is called. She was doing so well, and the socket was forming on it's own, but just stopped. She will have her surgery sometime in February(no date known yet). Of course that means another spica cast and everything.
I have really had a difficult time with it this time. Last time, it was a closed reduction, but this time she will be cut on, and I can't stand the thought of it. I want to puke when I think about it. Her daddy is really having a hard time with it. He's not really slept much since we found out, and he just cleans house till all hours of the night because he can't sleep. I am praying he will sleep better tonight because he's keeping me up with his tossing and turning. I don't sleep well, but I'd like to try though. We put on a happy front when she's up and around, but when she's napping or asleep at night, we talk about everything. I can't begin to tell you how scared I am about her going under anesthesia again,and having this kind of surgery. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it, yet I can't seem to stop thinking about it.
We were so distraught and shocked I didn't ask the doctor some questions I wish I would have now asked. How long is the surgery, and what is this cast going to look like compared to her first one? Those were the two main questions I need to ask, so I am going to give her Ortho doctor a call tomorrow to get some answers.
There's not much else I can say right now except we are still trying to just absorb the news. It's really a hard thing to chew, and it will take some time to cope with it all. There is one good thing that I can mention. She will have her cast on for 6 weeks after her surgery, and if all goes good, this will be the end of it all. I mean we will have follow-ups and everything, but this will be the end of the surgeries and everything. That's a positive thing, and I try to think about that when I start to get upset over everything.
I will update when I have more information about her surgery. I wish I had better news, but this is it for now.
I have really had a difficult time with it this time. Last time, it was a closed reduction, but this time she will be cut on, and I can't stand the thought of it. I want to puke when I think about it. Her daddy is really having a hard time with it. He's not really slept much since we found out, and he just cleans house till all hours of the night because he can't sleep. I am praying he will sleep better tonight because he's keeping me up with his tossing and turning. I don't sleep well, but I'd like to try though. We put on a happy front when she's up and around, but when she's napping or asleep at night, we talk about everything. I can't begin to tell you how scared I am about her going under anesthesia again,and having this kind of surgery. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it, yet I can't seem to stop thinking about it.
We were so distraught and shocked I didn't ask the doctor some questions I wish I would have now asked. How long is the surgery, and what is this cast going to look like compared to her first one? Those were the two main questions I need to ask, so I am going to give her Ortho doctor a call tomorrow to get some answers.
There's not much else I can say right now except we are still trying to just absorb the news. It's really a hard thing to chew, and it will take some time to cope with it all. There is one good thing that I can mention. She will have her cast on for 6 weeks after her surgery, and if all goes good, this will be the end of it all. I mean we will have follow-ups and everything, but this will be the end of the surgeries and everything. That's a positive thing, and I try to think about that when I start to get upset over everything.
I will update when I have more information about her surgery. I wish I had better news, but this is it for now.
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