What I'm feeling...

What I am feeling is hard to describe. Although we've been through this before 1 year ago, it still feels like it did when we discovered her hip dysplasia at her 9 month appointment. It was devastating to think our perfect little girl had something wrong with her, and it was heartbreaking knowing I had absolutely no power over it. I couldn't change it, and all I could do was accept it and move ahead. Now, 1 year later, 1 CR sugery and 10 months in a brace behind us, we find out her hip socket just stopped forming and another surgery and spica cast are needed. What I'm feeling is helplessness because again I have absolutely no control over this and I can't fix it. I also feel heart-broken because she has to go through surgery again, and she has to endure that cast again. She doesn't understand what is happening, and that makes it even harder.

I'm her mother, and I'm supposed to be able to fix things and make it all better. I can't fix this, and I can't prevent her from having to go through this surgery, pain, and that cast. When it's your child, and you are powerless to protect them from something, it makes you feel inadequate and helpless because all you want is to make it all go away and you can't. It's that feeling of being stuck and not in control that is really difficult.

People tell me all the time to be thankful because it could be worse. I know that things could definately be worse, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God that she's healthy despite her hip. I am very thankful that she's healthy otherwise, and I don't take that for granted. It doesn't mean that something more minor like this can't make you hurt just the same. Unless they have experienced it firsthand, most people don't really understand how heart-wrenching it is to hand over their child to a doctor and his medical staff and trust them to take the best care of them. After kissing her, telling her how much I loved her, and handing her to the nurse, I immediately wanted to turn around and run after them, grab my daughter, and get as far away from that hospital as I could. I can tell you from firsthand experience that it's the single hardest thing you will ever do. For me, handing her over this time is going to be even harder than the first time.

Explaining how I feel about all this is really difficult because there are so many different emotions involved. Sometimes I feel like I just have to be strong, and if I break-down and cry, I'm not being strong for Savannah. I make every effort to not cry in front of her because I want things to be as normal as possible under the circumstances. If I feel the need to break down and cry over everything, then I normally do it when she's taking her nap or at night when she's sleeping. Only once have I sat rocking her, looking at her while she slept in my arms, and just cried. I keep thinking of how beautiful and innocent she was, and how she had no clue what was happening, and I wept. This was a few days after we found out she needed another surgery and cast. Just having somebody understand how I feel and to tell me it is perfectly fine to feel the way I do, perfectly fine to cry if I need to, and to tell me everything is going to be alright is what I need to hear sometimes.

How am I doing now? I am doing better. I have accepted what is to be, and I decided to enjoy every minute I can with her before her surgery. Don't get me wrong, I am still heartbroken that she has to go through this, and I still have those same feelings I mentioned above, but I am dealing with that better everyday. We got through her first surgery and we survived the spica cast, so I know we will do the same this time, but it's still hard to deal with at times. God will take care of her as HE always has, and I take comfort knowing that. I just pray this surgery/cast will truely be the end of this nightmare, and we will graduate to occasional follow-up appointments. This is my hope, my wish, my prayer, but only God knows what is best for Savannah. I just have to trust HIM to take care of her, and I do!